Posted by: deadmousediaries | May 25, 2011

Can Snapping Turtles Eat Meatloaf? – some blogging bologna from Mitchell Kyd

Have you ever read the ingredients label on a Slim Jim? It starts with beef, followed by these words:  mechanically separated chicken. That means leftover bits are rendered unrecognizable and then squashed into a paste for quick consumption. (I’m thinking beaks and feet.) The specific bits aren’t integral to the Slim Jim but I’m fairly sure they were important to the chicken. This post is a lot like a Slim Jim. The details aren’t critical to any of  my stories but are absolutely integral to my blogging experience.

Since starting my little blogging adventure barely two years ago, I’ve learned so much about what’s going on in the world of social networking — and some of it is so frightening. Ah, the wanderers of the Internet.

For instance, I’m still waiting for the call from a major TV news network who will want to hire me based on my biggest Ah! HA!  moment. Of the 70-plus stories I have posted, one continues to be viewed at least once or twice a month. It  wasn’t the one to get the most hits when I released it but it has been the most enduring. Want to guess? I don’t consider it my most creative and it certainly doesn’t fit in with my usual storytelling adventures. It first appeared in February 2010, and I recycled it August 2010. It was my review of the movie Avatar.

Also unexpected is what I see when watching the key phrases people are searching when they stumble across my blog.  I know I’ve told you repeatedly, dear reader, I never know who you are, I only see you how many times someone – anyone– has visited my site. I consider that comforting news for us both when I look at what some readers are looking for when they creep onto my posts.

The headline of this story:  Can Snapping Turtles Eat Meatloaf? is just one example of the searches that I found in my summary pages, one of those things that makes you go Hmmm…   I’m trying to imagine what prompted someone to enter that phrase into a search engine.  Did they have a pet snapping turtle who had accidentally wandered into the compost pile and ate the leftovers and that caused them to fear for his health? Or did they find their pantry void of  traditional snapping turtle food (chicken necks?) and wonder if they could substitute meatloaf until their next trip to the chicken neck store? During the camping vacation, did a rogue snapping turtle burst through their tent and gnaw through the cooler?  Quite the conundrum.

My Dancing Naked in the Moonlight story included a reference to Snopes, the urban myth buster. My blog stats note that someone creeped on me after doing a search on the words: “snopes unkilled hamburger.”  I don’t know exactly what “unkilled hamburger” is but it certainly doesn’t sound like one of my story topics.

Readers have also found me by searching these other intriguing questions and thoughts including: How does  a spaghetti pot work?, Chicken with raising wings shows happiness. The second wife will always be the other woman. People long ago believed that when a dirty shirt and a few grains of wheat are placed in an open pot, tiny mice can be produced.

My very first blog described the freedom of being disconnected from my computer for a day, the result of a dead computer mouse;  it also set the name for my story collection, Dead Mouse Diaries.  From that standpoint, I brought part of this on myself.

Based on the number of searches I get related to dead mice, the disposal of these tiny rodent carcasses poses a universal problem. Here’s a sampling of searches that have reached me, all in their glorious original verbiage: How to pick up a dead mouse? What gets recycled in a dead mouse? Catchy cereal slogans to do with a dead mouse. Why do men need to show you a dead mouse? Dead mouse with only one leg. Dead mouse prank  scent. Mouse killed in your bedroom should you still sleep there? Dead mouse in water but will it contaminate water? Someone is leaving dead mice on my doorstep. And let’s not forget  my personal favorite search: sky-diving radio-tagged mice with cardboard wings.

The discovery of the exact locations of these little bodies has sent tech-savvy infomongers scurrying, too.  Their demise has been reported in many compromising positions as revealed by these search phrases, all beginning with the words dead mouse: under cupboard, back of refrigerator, in fridge, in air conditioner, on front porch, fried in toaster, in dresser, in bra drawer, inside wall of house, and in silverware drawer.

Several of my stories have had a reference to shoes, feet or pantyhose.  One post  in particular, The Second Wife Always Has New Shoes, appears to have sent out a Siren’s call to the soles of the paraphiles and the podophiles — those with shoe and feet fetishes.  Based on the comparative frequency of foot, feet and shoe searches, the dead mouse problem is barely a blip. Again, this is just a sample of the searches: power girl feet, sexy feet, bare feet, pantyhose feet, pantyhose open-toe, wife feet, Susan Sarandon feet, feet wallpaper, wife soles, exotic shoes, shiny shoe, pantyhose boots, church shoes  feet, barefoot woman wearing coveralls, fat girls feet, fat women feet, wedding shoes feet, glass shoes, high heel feet, and female beautiful feet shoe.  Two search phrases that found their way to me  I found more than  unnerving. They were:   four-year-old girl feet and cruel girl crushing rabbit under shoes. What is that searcher hoping to find??? Never mind. I don’t want to know.

Now that some of my thoughts are winding their way into a newspaper column, I’m aware that I’m venturing outside the safe, closed group of friends who have juiced me up with encouraging posts and comments from the start. Cyberspace can be a dark and scary space for a country girl. Just remember,  I love reading your notes and appreciate the time you make to send them. I hope you’ll continue to check in and let me know you’re out there. With gratitude – MK.

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Responses

  1. Wow………it really does make you wonder what people were searching for!!

  2. …not sure what you’re smoking, but I’d love to try some! brad

    • I am a product of the 60’s…

  3. MK told me about her cat bringing a gift of a dead mouse in its mouth. My cat used to do that too. Wondering what ancient memory of the cat/human relationship that represents? Was there a time when we ate mice, provided by cat purveyors? Glad I’m living in the 21st century. Thanks MK for being MK, or whoever you are. Glenn


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