And a Merry Martha Stewart to You!

Have your ever bought a magazine or craft book with the intentions of doing more with less for the holidays based on the advice of the decorating gurus? And how did that work out for you?  This year I’m working on my own schedule and with my own ideas and I am doing just fine, thank you. In fact, I’ve even had a few minutes left over to put a little Christmas greeting together for my friend, Martha Stewart. I’d like to share it here with all of you:

Happy Holidays to you, Martha Stewart! Now back off! Isn’t it enough that you’ve become a holiday icon? Do we really need more guilt about failed past Christmas souffles or increasing angst about whether our vinegar-dipped chandeliers will burn as brightly as the neighbors’? I love the holidays more than most but I long ago gave up your vision of the perfect season filled with little nativity scenes crafted completely of hand-formed marzipan. I don’t expect to be making seven dozen stained glass cookies to depict each of the 78 characters from The Twelve Days of Christmas plus six carolers to immortalize them in song.

In fact, I have given up on most of the things you’d like me to believe are essential to a beautiful family holiday. I am no longer drying fragile blossoms of Queen Anne’s Lace in the summer so I can place them on my Christmas tree like the parasols of tiny faeries. I’ve stopped gluing my fingers together with pine pitch while trying to weave a charming wreath from my leftover Christmas tree branches. And I’m not baking any dog biscuits topped with bows made out of bacon bits.

In fact, I’d like to invite you to be part of my world; come on over and see how Christmas really gets done here, outside of TV Land. We’ll tackle something simple, like gift wrapping, and see how well you’d do without your set director and a staff of 47. Follow along, please, Martha.

Step 1: Clear a large, flat work space such as a kitchen or dining table. Lay out your rolls of gift wrap that you wisely bought on sale after last year’s holiday. Assemble all of your related supplies that have been carefully stored in plastic organizers since last Christmas. Arrange everything on your workspace within easy reach to save time.

Step 2: Drive to the nearest WalMart or Dollar General to buy new tape and scissors because someone pilfered these items from your supplies since last Christmas. While you’re out, pick up the dry cleaning, and your husband’s prescriptions; stop for milk, get the oil changed, pay the sewer bill and drop your final Christmas package at the Post Office.

Step 3: Remove gift-wrap and supplies so you can set the table for dinner.

Step 4: After dinner, lay out all your gift-wrapping supplies. Return to the car to search for the one plastic bag containing the tape and new scissors. While you’re in the car in the driveway in the dark, pick up the french fries that fell under the seat two weeks ago. Find last week’s mail that slid between the seats including the electric and water bills that are now past due.

Step 5: Clear gift-wrap and supplies from the table so you have room for last week’s mail, your checkbook and the calculator. Pay bills, balance checkbook and text yourself a reminder to stop at the Post Office again tomorrow to buy more stamps.

Step 6: Now that everyone else has gone to bed and the house is quiet, lay out all your gift-wrapping supplies, tune radio to Christmas music and brew yourself a cup of tea.

Step 7: While in kitchen, pull chicken breasts from freezer for tomorrow’s dinner, empty trash and wash coffee mugs left over from late night snack.

Step 8: Rush to hallway to answer another automated telemarketing call. Return to work table. Discard the length of wrapping paper you had already cut so you can dispose of the hairball your cat presented on it in during your extended absence. Move sofa and recliner in search of the ribbon spool he gnawed, the one that triggered the hairball.

Step 9: Accept your situation. Let the dog out, scoop the cat litter, feed the fish and go to bed.

Step 10: Set your alarm for ten minutes early so you have time in the morning to remove gift wrap supplies from your workspace to make room for breakfast. Then drive to the nearest WalMart or Dollar General and buy two dozen gift bags.

Alternate Ending: If you are on a budget, do what my husband used to do. Buy one fits-all gift bag. Keep all gifts in their original bags. At gift exchange time, transfer one item at a time to the gift bag and present to the recipient. Ask that the bag be immediately returned so the next recipient can be equally delighted.

So there you go, Merry Martha Freakin’ Stewart. I don’t need your ideas or your merchandise to make my holidays complete. I have my own creative brain, a decision making process and now, a nearby Dollar General.